I decided to vent this to my blog cause I am feeling upset and stressed out and want to scream into my lil slice of void for a second. It is so fucking tiring trying to always be the best I can and being returned just pittance. So, for context, Someone sent me something I don't like in my DMs and I mentioned I don't like it. They immediately went onto the defensive saying it wasn't the focus. That doesn't change what it fucking IS. But, yeah, I guess I am in the wrong when they send something they know I don't like and I don't like it and feel uncomfortable with it. And even if they forgot, that doesn't excuse them getting on the offensive. They send sarcastic gifs and I say again in clear terms that it is not respecting my boundaries and they get on the offensive mentioning how they already deleted it, despite having deleted it while I was typing. I then explain myself further saying I was just explaining it and didn't see it then they start to antagonize me more saying I am freaking out when I "beat a dead horse and it explodes." They are going on the offensive and antagonizing me and when I try to drop it they go on and keep telling me to drop it and move on despite me already trying to multiple times, they could of just shut the fuck up and dropped in themselves but they kept "Beating a Dead Horse" in of themselves and show no fucking self awareness about what they are doing.
I try my best to be my best. I try to be understanding and not do things that I know will only make issues worse... However... It is so fucking hard to do this. It takes so much energy to just let shit go and be the better person, particularly when I am as emotional as I am. I want to be a good person and turn the other cheek, but I also really wanna fucking put people in their place. I want them to see what they do onto others, to feel the pain they inflict. I want to fucking stand up for myself. But if I do it will only make their delusions stronger, it will only validate their dismal grim dark view of the world, it will only play into their "Woe is Me" fuck shit, it will only make them play the role of "victim" or more so in the right even more, it will only make them listen somehow less than they already do. It is so tiring dealing with this. I have to just fuckin take their bullshit if I want a chance at all to help them realize how much bullshit they put me through. And even sadder yet is this is not an isolated event to one person. It happens multiple times, over and over again, with so so so many people. They do not listen, they are not wrong, they are the victim, I am their antagonist, and I must be defeated.
Now, know that I am not a good person, at least in my eyes. I am another flawed pile of flesh and neurons trying to be my best to be something more than a spec of sentient space dust in the grand scheme of existence. I am not fully innocent in these moments cause I do act out, I do play into their petty game of us-vs-them mentality, I play into their ideas that we live in this clear binary world where anything that is not us must be destroyed. I am not a good person in my eyes, but I am trying. I am making so much effort, but I don't ever feel anything back. They often say treat others how you want to be treated, but of how I treat others, there is still way too many examples of others just treating me like shit.
Please, if you ever find yourself in a situation like this, please put forth your best efforts to stop, read, think, then react. If we only ever react based on the momentary feelings we get when reading something, we will be nothing more than our gut reactions, and so often in a modern world those gut reactions are horribly misplaced. We feel stressed and we immediately will go into flight or fight response and we will just act in ways that only makes the situation worse. If we put forth the effort to take time before we act, we will have time to think, giving us the opportunity to act with precise effort to not escalate issues, but rather actually resolve them. You don't always have to start wars, you can just say "Sorry, didn't mean to." and move on.
Gosh, I have lost years of my life to this.
Keep Howling,
W <3 L F
